80 Things Hill Should Spend Its $80 Million Renovation On

In case you haven't heard, Hill is getting an $80 million renovation. And while we don't really think Hill can ever overcome its national bad rep, we have a few suggestions for some super useful and legitimate ways that they can spend those $80 million: 

1. A Hill Wawa

2. Electrolux AC

3. Kenmore AC

4. Maytag AC

5. Turn creepy moldy fountain into a jacuzzi

6. Gold cutlery in the dining hall

7. Turkish toilets

8. A mailroom that doesn’t smell like a farm

9. Escalators

10. Anti-pumpkin nets 

11. A pumpkin patch to show that Hill is not scared; also for delightful autumnal pies

12. Dining Hall room service

13. Fingerprint reading door locks

14. Sky lights 

15. Put the building in the actual sky
    

16. iPads that allow you to control the lights/temperature/music in your room from anywhere

17. Giant mirrors above beds (50 Shades of Grey style)

18. Hill brunch every day

19. Sauna

20. Rooftop helicopter landing pad

21. Disco balls in all the study lounges

22. Embroidered bathrobes for every resident

23. Big ass blocks of ice that sit on the floor (like how they refrigerated in the olden days)

24. Tri-annual DJ Khaled performances

25. Wax museum downstairs with creepy but lifelike figures

26. Tearing down the building and rebuilding the exact same building (most likely option)

27. Paying everyone’s Penn tuition

28. Paying damages to every past and present resident of Hill House

29. Giant trampoline instead of the fountain in the dining hall

30. Movie theater (with a concession stand that steals all your dining dollars)

31. A petting zoo

32. Hardwood floors
    

33. Sex dungeon

34. Catering from Pod every day

35. Official Hill House socks to leave on your door

36. Build an actual ivory tower

37. High quality shower heads

38. Faucets

39. Rooftop minigolf

40. Big tank of gasoline, just in case

41. Rice, maybe

42. Puppy petting area

43. A soothing voice, coming from speakers that announces the Dining Hall menu each day

44. Another abstract statue

45. A miniature button statue in every hallway

46. Replace the bridge with a replica of the Tampons

47. “Turquoise Marilyn” by Andy Warhol

48. More free condoms

49. Mosaic tiling of Ben Franklin’s face in every shower

50. Wood carving studio

51. Printing press that only prints upside down versions of the DP

52. A soundproof, walk-in closet in each room equipped with a heated lounge chair to help the sexiled during winter

53. An actual moat

54. A Gutenberg bible

55. NSO trip for all residents to the Guggenheim (the one in Bilbao)

56. A moss table

57. Hiring Kate Moss as a GA

58. A Mike Myers Impersonator that directs freshmen to their new rooms, adding an antiquated reference to an already chaotic time

59. An ice sculpture of Faith Hill and any other famous person with the last name ‘Hill’

60. Speakers continuously blasting “The Hills” by the Weeknd

61. Set of TV's in the lobby that continuously play "The Hills" featuring Lauren Conrad

62. Add a dome to make it look more like Capitol Hill

63. Toiletries courtesy of the HIL(L)TON family and hoteliers
    

64. Put a manmade hill under it so the name makes more literal sense

65. A new Instagram filter called ‘Hill’ that overlays a visceral sense of depression onto each picture you post

66. Pretty much anything that could be a pun or play on the word "hill," we're very flexible
    

67. Installing a shopping mall because it already kind of looks like one, tbh

68. A replica of the Quad to display in the dining hall

69. An office for A-Gut so she can prove she’s “of the people”

70. Knock down Zete house and just give them their own suite in Hill

71. Mini red carpets leading up to each room so that you can get sexiled in style

72. Gargoyles

73. Catacombs

74. New MERT HQ

75. The cool closet organizing system from Clueless

76. A giant painting of the Mona Lisa with A-Gut’s face (the eyes are always following you)

77. Soul Cycle Studio

78. A fireman pole down the stairwell

79. An indoor aquarium

80. Edible Arrangements for every past Hill resident. Won't make up for the past, but they can try.