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 Published 03/24/14 2:01pm

Race To The UA 2K14: A Reminder That These Are The People Who Want To Represent You, Part II

Hello and thank you for continuing on this journey through peer-produced popularity contest propaganda. If you're just joining us, uh, why haven't you checked out Part I yet? Anyway, hopefully you've seen the posters which means you're ready to move onto the big boy stuff: videos and websites.

As we've done in years past, let's take a critical look at how these UA candidates are trying to snag our vote this time around.

The Videos & Online Things

Sam Natbony

  • This pun is so 2008 -2,008
  • Raising the roof like it's a thing +233
  • Washing the air with a towel -11
  • Um what is your actual reason for running? -42
  • Number of IQ Points I Lost Watching This Penalty -25
  • Took way too long for it to be over -6,000

Total: -7,853

Allyson Ahlstrom

  • Taking feminism back 60 years or so -5,000
  • Points for the poor, tortured sidekick girl---the Rosie to her Sophia Grace +581
  • Clocking in at 2:05, it's about 2 minutes too long -33
  • Acknowledging that the original video was making fun of girls like you +107

Total: -4,345

Darren Tomasso

  • Sticking with the method that worked last time +6
  • That method being the outdated twerk -60
  • The rest of the video is an endless slideshow -600

Total: -654

Delaney | Bittar

  • Oh cool, House of Cards... +1
  • aaaaand it crumbles at 0:49 -1
  • Your 'usual' being a tall nonfat caramel macchiato (at 2:36 if anyone makes it that far) -100
  • Also over 700 Likes on their Facebook page OH WAIT -793

Total: -893

Joyce and Josh

  • Youthful, hip, and fun URL! +4
  • Um, wow? The website is actually beautiful? +100
  • We get it, you guys look extremely cute together -999

Total: -895

Max Levy

  • The Wolf of Wall Street pun. Every performing arts group is like SHIT WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT +3,000
  • The fact that a Levy election win doesn't equal a Leo Oscar win -2,000
  • Like-count isn't even in the triple digits -88
  • A-Are you trying to rhyme sleazy with Levy??? -10

Total: 902

The Write Ins

Allison Bart

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  • Simple and straightforward slogan with a pleasant rhyme +214
  • Getting the Write In section of this post all to herself +1,006
  • Proper use of foam finger +1,310
  • Missed opportunity for "fart" pun -10

Total: 2,520

Alas, we've arrived at the end of our Race to the UA coverage. Props if you managed to scroll all the way down here, by the way. Seems like you might even care enough to vote! which you can do here.

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