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 Published 03/24/14 2:00pm

Race To The UA 2K14: A Reminder That These Are The People Who Want To Represent You, Part I

Hooooo boy, we at it again. If you're living under a rock and/or your newsfeed isn't overflowing with profile pic propaganda, first of all, you're lucky and can we be you? Second of all, just know that we've now entered UA Election Week! (Cue this sound effect and an eyeroll.)

Of course, this time of year also means that cringe-y campaign iMovies make the Internet rounds, poorly Photoshopped cover photos are aplenty, and that the trees and halls are decked with campaign posters. It's basically Christmas except the colors are pun-based-vanity green, and does-the-UA-even-do-anything red. So as we've done for years, let's take a critical look at the season's harvest, shall we?

The Posters

Lucas Vacek

  • Nothing says Professional Reliable Honest like a default sunset gradient +1
  • Making Using the most of your printing budget +50.00
  • Efficient use of tree trunk +400
  • Purpose of byplane unclear -100
  • Looks like a spam pop-up ad that escaped from last decade's Internet -1,337

Total:  -986


Marc Petrine

  • Upstanding platform +4,272
  • Informative content +62
  • Choosing hygiene as your rhyme instead of latrine +1
  • Asking some pour soul to photograph you in the shower -89
  • And not doing enough tricep dips before you asked -150
  • Dish sponge -1,000
  • Not using dirty tactics +4
  • Seriously though, why. -9,999,999

Total:  -9,996,925

Bill Ding

  • Relying on your given name again -100
  • Being born a pun +100
  • Photoshopping yourself wearing a t-shirt onto a background where it's clearly winter +32°F
  • Giving BFrank a lapdance +3,000
  • Wharton shirt/crown combo -3,000

Total: 32°F


Alex George

  • The slogan "My Mouth, Your Voice" -1,000
  • Get with the Times, New Roman -10,000
  • We'd all prefer our own mouths and voices -100,000
  • Being unattractive, which explains the lack of photo -1,000,000
  • Two first names 2x score multiplier

Total:  -2,218,900


Jane Meyer

  • Pro-marijuana platform +400
  • Snazzy blazer +15
  • Name anagrams to Merey Jane +5

Total:  420

Natalie Hernandez

  • Um, is she touching herself? -400
  • Ghost boobs -1,000
  • "What would Beyoncé do?" Probably not run for UA nor take the time to vote if that's what you're asking -1200
  • Wearing the outfit for when your arms and chest are cold but your shoulders and legs are hot -20

Total:  -2,620


Eric Tepp

  • lol'd +413
  • Do we really want to be represented by someone who thought yellow was a good idea? -789
  • Freaky +376

Total: 0

Daniel Kahana

  • No one here wants a monarchy -2,014
  • "Re-elect?" Shall I compare thee to a Lion King sequel? -1.5
  • Hilarious Photoshopping skills +0
  • Thought his name was Kahana Matata for a sec -5

Total:  -2,020.5

??? and ???

  • Not wasting our time with information such as the candidates' names +500
  • Incredible photorealistic rendering of cheese +1000
  • Oh, SEAS -1
  • Low budget +1

Total:  1,500

We wish we could say that's all folks, but there are a ton more candidates out there running for Undersecretary of Manegerial Vice Presidential Affairs---or whatever, that we just couldn't fit in. In fact, we have a whole other

Part II: Videos, Online Things, & Write Ins

where we took a good hard look at some campaign videos, so click to go there now. But if you've seen enough and are ready to vote, you can do so here.

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