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Features  Published 03/01/13 5:06pm

A Guide for Late Spring Breakers


You're the kid in your hall awkwardly leaving for Spring Break on Sunday - or worse - Monday. Everyone's got their floaties packed and their flasks ready, yet there you are: working on that final take home midterm, getting excited texts from your parents about Monday's vegan potluck for your return, or perhaps cursing girls on Facebook who are already in Jamaica in their bikinis.

But fear not! Just think of all the things you can do now that the student body has said buh-bye to campus!

1. Fart in Fisher Fine Arts: Yup. You heard us. No longer must you clench tight lest a wet one bellow! No longer shall the wrath of silence restrict your sphincter! Midterms are over. Let your Fisher flatulence go free.

2. Watch Adult Films in Van Pelt: Ever wondered what people do on those 1980s silver TVs in the basement? Well, they obviously rent a vintage erotica and blast the volume on high.

3. Wear an open Hawaiian shirt, sandals and a beer bong to Commons: Hey, there's no shame in preempting your Spring Break mood with some BYO booze and day-old turkey balls. Besides, now that everyone's gone, you can go back for turkey ball thirds without the judgment and insecurity.

4. Book a GSR and chill naked for an hour: Because why not...

5. Sleep in your roommate's bed and borrow her clothes: Because she's already having fun on Spring Break and you aren't.

6. Get a seat in the Huntsman study lounge: Because during midterms it was so hard, and you just want revenge.

7. Buy a Shamrock Shake from McDonalds: Because no one will know....


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