Published 02/14/13 3:35pm

Pennphrodisiacs, And Where To Find 'Em


My GOODNESS, dost thou feel that blood in thine loins, for it is the Day of Saint Valentine?! We at UTB are pretty confident you all will get some tonight. You've just got that quality that drives them wild. But in case you need a little extra assistance to rise to the task, here are some well-known aphrodisiacs and where on campus to procure them.

AphroD: Oysters

Penn Retailer: Doc Magrogan's. A sexy place where sexy people digest this divine shellfish, hoping for  pearls and subsequent pearl necklaces

AphroD: Chili Peppers

Penn Retailer: Mad Mex, where we can recommend the enchiladas. But if you forgot about Valentine's day and forgot to make reservations, there's another option! Take your angry lady to Jimmy John's and ask for extra hot peppers on her Unwich! She'll get so flushed and lusty that she'll forget you're a worthless asshole, and maybe even put out if you grab some jalapeƱo chips for the road.

AphroD: Pomegranate

Penn Retailer: Fro Gro. This one goes out to all the semites, who have known this food's mystical kabbalistic (and sexual) powers since they were little nudniks.

AphroD: Red Wine

Penn Retailer: Greek Lady, where you can get a 50-cent shot of wine alongside your chicken gyro. Seriously. You don't even have to spend a Washington.

AphroD: Garlic

Penn Retailer: There are myriad options for getting garlic into your system at Penn. Sprinkle it atop your Allegro pizza. Slurp it up in the sauce on your suggestively-shaped pasta at Penne. Pick up some Plentils from FroGro, because PLENTy of PLENTils will make your libido PLENTiful.

AphroD: Walnuts

Penn Retailer: Sweet Green/Kiwi, where you can get doze nutz on your definitely healthy fro-yo.

AphroD: Avocado

Penn Retailer:  Get the guacamole at Distrito. If you're a veteran Valentines rockstar, you know licking a glob of guacamole off a spoon is the most sure-fire way to arouse your lover. We promise he/she'll say "AY Carumba!"

AphroD: Asparagus

Penn Retailer: They occasionally serve some pretty sketchy asparagus in Commons. And we'll bet you like the way the Commons ladies slop that long, succulent asparagus on your plate.

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