Oh, goody, freshmen elections are here! For three-quarters of us, it's primetime for gawking at silly name-based puns, hearing the same empty promises and trying to figure out whether the freshman are getting smarter or dumber. For the lucky youngest quarter of the school, it's a time when thousands of innocents are harassed by uninvited Quad-room visitors as they decide who they want in charge of picking which Hummus platter to get at the next big class event. Yikes!
So how do you decide? You look at the campaign posters, duh. After three years of doing this, we can safely say that the quality and creativity posters have been in a steady decline since 2009. Take a gander at our completely logical rating system and see who's got our vote. (Right, we're pretty sure you're supposed to vote by this Friday.) Welp, here we go!
Have you guys heard that Justin Timberlake song where JT goes, "MMMMm yeah I'm barrrrringin' sexy backkkkkk (YEAH!)"? No? Oh, it's a popular song! Come on, guys, you know? You know what we're talking about? Guys?
-Are you about to pick for gold or are you telling us we've got something on our lips, Justin Taleisnik? +2
-How do you intend on bringing sexy back? -2
Aidan McConnell gets easy points for his cool name, which makes him sounds like the world's most interesting leprechaun. But what about that suit, those cheekbones, that outstretched hand?
The suit: -13
The cheekbones: +40
The outstretched hand: -259
Shivani Chadha is good at arts and crafts. Look at those starbursts! That Penn crest sun! The handwriting that rivals that of a kindergarten teacher! You go, girlfriend.
-Adept with scissors: +90
-Do you really think it was a good idea to coin the phrase "SHIV it up"? Do you know what a shiv is? -43
-No wonder she's adept with scissors and other sharp objects: -47
And here we are, folks, those silly named-based puns we were talking about. Arjun Mahadevan is trying to pull off the phrase "The Arj Mahal." Did he succeed?
Why does this look so sloppy? Did you make this with a potato? -269
Cute headshot: +1
Following in Arjun's footsteps, Arthur Rempel tries to use the pun "Temple Run? No. Rempel Run." Eh.
But "Rempel Run" doesn't really make sense? REMPEL IS FRESHMAN. REMPEL RUN FOR UA. REMPEL HAPPY. -14
-Nice "Legends of the Hidden Temple" reference! +24903
-This is actually a reference to the app "Temple Run"? Never you mind. -24903
Easy, breezy, beautiful: JANOCKO. The posters are simple, the message clear, the picture AMURRRKAN.
Will we be glad we voted for Janocko? Yeah: +1348476
WHEW, guys: +298035934860273487032968
YOU THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OBJECTIVELY ATTRACTIVE YOU CAN WIN AN ELECTION? +2093850
Total: Who cares? Vote for Janocko! YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.
Who is Berber? Who is Chacha? We like mystery, but sometimes too much of a good thing is bad.
If you rearrange the syllables, you get "CHABER CHABER": +9
Double trouble?: +9087
Still not buying it: -19357905
Dabeavea Scolnic, WHO ARE YOU? CAN WE BE FRIENDS? EMAIL ME MAYBE?
Have you heard that she's really fun? +348
More masquerade parties, please: +38
Total: Disqualified, because she isn't running. But wow! You rock.
And so, the winner is Janocko, because good looks always translate to more votes. That's just how things work in the real world. Nice effort, everyone else, and smell you at the polling booth!