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 Published 02/01/10 1:00pm

Pennetration, Edition 1: The Newly Single Junior Girl

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We're proud to present the first installment of Pennetration, UTB's new sex diary column, featuring sex, vice and everything nice on our Ivy League campus. If you like what you see and are bold enough to divulge your escapades, send a note to contact@underthebutton.com. We'll keep your identity under wraps, promise! Without further adieu, introducing our first brave volunteer: The Newly Single Junior Girl.

My sex life as a single chick in college began at the beginning of junior year when I was dumped by my boyfriend of over two years. I was shocked and heart-broken, but probably should have taken a cue from our sex life. We hadn’t had sex in weeks, despite my silent but extremely eager horniness. While I was emotionally destroyed, I still had a desperate desire to fuck. Needing to change my mindset about what was sexually off-limits for me, I threw myself into the flirting game. Even though I was shaking my ass and having fun, this was not the tactic that got me my first post-dumping fuck.

Enter: the freshman. While they wander around in mobs with clueless looks on their faces and clog up the hallways of frats like too much toilet paper in a DRL toilet, freshmen are apparently good for the something. I met Chris for the first time as I drunkenly skipped down 17th street from Denim to G Lounge after deciding not to join the drunken mob pushing for entry. I knew who he was because, well, he is the younger brother of one of my closest girlfriends who graduated last Spring. I was surprised by his maturity and charm but didn’t want to pursue anything because of his almost familial status. Luckily, I didn’t have to because a couple days later he asked his sister for my number. In order to avoid a potentially awkward situation, I talked with my friend and told her I wouldn’t do anything unless I had her blessing. Not only did she find the idea hilarious, but she was in complete support. Chris got in touch with me and asked me on a dinner date: what refreshing maturity! We chatted and flirted over Pho soup and before his return to the Quad, I showed him my apartment.

Soon, Chris became a frequent visitor, bringing with him the savory Italian foods his grandmother sent him weekly. We would meet up late night after going out with our respective friends and drunkenly manage to whip up delicious treats. One night I put on music and we turned my living room into a dance floor, Chris expertly showing me surprisingly sexy dance moves he said he had learned in ballroom dancing classes. I had told myself I wouldn’t have sex with him because of his sister but one night I found myself in one of those sticky sex situations (pun intended). We were in bed and I was going down on him. Luckily for him but unluckily for my jaw, Chris is well-endowed. He had above average girth but not to the point of needing magnums. This, unfortunately, made things slightly more difficult when it came to blow jobs and honestly, my jaw was exhausted after a good 5 minutes. That’s when I was like, fuck it, I’m just going to fuck him. What followed makes me laugh to myself because he had an almost shell-shocked expression on his face the entire time I rode him. I guess his social maturity had caused me forget his sexual immaturity and I expected something slightly more passionate, or at least sexier. After he cummed and I de-mounted, I slipped into sleep as I thought to myself, “Wow, I probably shouldn't have done that.”

The next few weeks were busier for both of us but he was still extremely persistent. Chris told me one night that he only hooks up with one girl at a time and I laughed and told him he didn’t have to do that with me. Italian-American values, he said. He insisted though and this caused me to worry. I started trying to distance myself from him and subtly dropping hints because I could sense him getting attached. The day before Fall Break, I wake up to a text from Chris saying to call him back. He was at the airport, heading to visit his grandmother, but had something important to tell me: “Hey, so I wanted to let you know that I think we should stop hooking up. I know you’re not in the place right now to commit to anything and I don’t want to start liking you. I’m sorry.” Great, dumped by a freshman that I wasn’t even dating. While I’m glad he got the hints, I was once again alone with no prospects.

And now, single again? For God’s sake, we’re only in college once! Come on boys, it’s time to go to CVS, stock up on condoms (with lube obviously, preferably the female pleasing ones), and give all those quality girls out there looking for sexy, sweaty sex (i.e. me) the attention they deserve.

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