Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Student in Post-Colonial Literature Class Excited to Share About Spring Break in the Caribbean


Photo from Pxhere / CC0 

Amanda Ashberry (C ‘19) just returned from a fabulous spring break hopping across islands in the Caribbean. She went to the Virgin Islands, Trinidad and Tobago, then finished up the week exploring Cuba. “It was just, like, such a culturally rich experience,” she told us over Skype, holding a margarita the size of her head while she lounged on the beach. She said she was especially excited to talk to her post-colonial literature class about her memories from the trip. 

Other people complain about studying over break, but Amanda got the best of both worlds. She told us that “I actually didn’t do the reading assigned over break. It was about life in Cuba, but I prefer a more hands-on approach.” Instead of reading Pedro Juan Gutierrez’s Dirty Havana Trilogy, Ashberry went bar-hopping, tanning, and asked dozens of locals to take pictures of herself and her friends in bikinis. Wow! She really got the full experience.

We asked Ashberry how taking post-colonial lit helped her gain a new understanding of the places she visited. Her response was extremely insightful.

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

OP-ED: Hey Dude, Please Like This Article and Tag Your Friends in the Comments


Photo from Enoc vt / Public Domain

Hi reader, this article is totally NOT clickbait. As a publication dedicated to genuine journalism, we stand strongly against the type of titles that Buzzfeed and 16-year-old Youtubers use for their content. We don’t need to do that to get page views. We know you’re loyal and care.

You probably care so much about this article, in fact, that you’re willing to tag your friends in the comments so that they can care about this, too. If you’re feeling a bit ballsy, you might even share this article so that your grandpa and aunt and racist dude from your high school can see it.

And, of course, we’re always family-friendly here. You won’t find a single mention of masturbating, the word “fuck,” or sex. And I’m not just throwing in random links here so that you’ll click on more of our articles to bump our page views. That’s pretty scummy for a serious publication, and I’d never do that. But please click on those links; it bumps up our page views which really helps us out.

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

​Finally: Pet Funerals No Longer Have to be Registered


Photo by Pixabay / CC0

Kyle O’Loughlin (E '18) lost his pet ferret, Laszlo, in October. Seeking to honor the life and memory of his four-footed friend, he held a traditional Irish wake at his off-campus house.

Kyle’s friends and family gathered to observe Laszlo in repose. The mourners kissed the body, shared stories, and drank whiskey.

According to Kyle, it was a beautiful, moving ceremony. Until Penn Police arrived to shut it down. Kyle had not registered Laslo’s funeral with the Office of Alcohol and Other Drugs in accordance with Penn’s event policies.

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Feminist Win! This Woman Only Lets Gay Men Grind on Her at Frat Parties


Photo by Gromovataya / CC0

Many young women at Penn have come to learn that they will sometimes get unsolicited advances at frat parties. No matter how many workshops are held for members of Greek life to learn about consent and sexual harassment, these incidents keep happening. As a result, sophomore Katie Johnson has decided to take a stand all on her own.

Men are pigs! They just see me as an object. Not like my gay friends—they see me as a person,” Johnson complained as the friend dancing behind her smacked her ass.

“Honestly, it’s not just a protest; it’s a life hack,” Johnson continued. “How can anyone else force themselves onto me if I’m dancing with someone else?”

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Satire  Published 23 hours ago

Local Hero: This TA Just Gives out the Answer During Office Hours


Photo by Ziko / CC BY-SA 3.0

An exclusive source has revealed that GEOL 100 TA Kaitlin Jacobs (C ’18) took the class three years ago and doesn’t remember any of the material, but she does have the answer key, so people can check their answers if they want. The source also reported that Jacobs often angled her laptop screen towards the students, allowing them to look over her shoulder as she searched through the answers. 

Ever since word of this initiative spread, office hour attendance has dramatically increased. While they used to be limited to those two freshmen who started the problem set as soon as it was assigned and the one sophomore who doesn’t understand how they got a D on the first midterm, recent office hours have exploded. Reportedly, almost half the class shows up to ask, “how do I even approach this problem, you know?” The other half the class just waits to get the answers from their friends who went to office hours, inspiring a new sense of camaraderie within classmates. 

UTB caught up with a student currently enrolled in GEOL 100, Martin Lynch (C ’20), who shared with us how nice it is to finally have a TA who gives a shit about his education. Lynch immediately dismissed questions of whether it might actually be hurting his education to just copy the answers from the TA. Said Lynch, “My CIS 110 TA wrote most of my code during office hours, and look at me now. I have Java on my resume.

Satire  Published 03/18/18 7:12pm

Penn to Increase 2019-2020 Tuition to $100,000 Because 'It Was Going to Happen Eventually'


Photo by Megan Jones / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn will raise its undergraduate tuition to $100,000 next year, the Board of Trustees announced Tuesday.

Though the 46 percent increase surprised many students and faculty, Vice President of Finance and Treasurer MaryFrances McCourt said the increase makes perfect sense. “You guys all knew we were going to get there eventually,” she said. “We’re just ripping off the band-aid instead of peeling it slowly.”

Wharton Sophomore Mary Callahan said that while she was initially angry at the steep tuition hike, the idea has grown on her. “At first, when I heard we were going to have to pay a tenth of a million dollars for a year of education, I was kind of mad. It seemed like a lot of money. But I realized that these four percent increases were inevitably leading to that hundred thousand price tag, and I appreciate that they’re not teasing us anymore,” she said.

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Satire  Published 03/18/18 3:41pm

Wow! This Guy Wearing a Polo at the Gym Must Be Really Busy


Photo by Ingfbruno / CC BY-SA 3.0

There’s generally very little leeway in the tumultuous lives of Penn’s busiest students, so most feel pressured to squeeze the most out of every second they spend on campus. It’s so easy to get caught up trying to optimize study time or strike the perfect work-life balance, but Byron Cooper (C ‘21) is taking efficiency to an entirely different level.

Cooper, like many of us, used to waste minutes every week changing between his weathered, stinking gym clothes and his stylish, form-fitting Lacoste clothing. Despite being a serial procrastinator, Cooper knew, deep down, that all he needed to do was change how he looked externally to fix his problems. 

And that’s when it hit him. Cooper realized that he could escape the restrictive bonds of social decorum just by never changing his shirt at the gym and carrying an extra can of Axe body spray wherever he went. This one choice has changed his life forever.

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Satire  Published 03/18/18 2:40pm

​Puke-Covered Leprechaun Was National Merit Scholar


Photo by Rick / CC BY 2.0

Multiple sources are reporting that Kyle Berman (W ’21), the boy in a leprechaun costume slumped over in the corner of the party and soaked in his own vomit, was a National Merit Scholar in high school.

The boy was one of just 2500 students across the nation to receive a $2500 scholarship. He was selected as a Scholar by a panel of college admissions officers and high school counselors based on his exemplary PSAT/NMSQT® score, academic record, and community service participation.

Kyle is now lying against a fence in the backlot, alternating between vomiting and sleeping in a puddle of urine and beer.

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Satire  Published 03/18/18 2:22pm

'I Can Never Concentrate After Spring Break,' Claims Senior Who Hasn't Been to a Lecture in 2 Years


Photo from PxHere / CC0

The time between spring break and summer vacation is an awkward period for all Penn students. We live our lives like characters in a Greek tragedy, buried in a whirlwind of assignments, extracurricular commitments, and internship woes while constantly being reminded that summer's freedom is just barely out of reach, even if that freedom means working at a soul-crushing internship for 12 weeks so you can pay for next year’s PV trip. Even the most committed individuals can suffer lapses in concentration during this period.

Like the rest of us, Harold Kilpatrick (C ‘18) has been doing the best he can to keep his head above water. “I’ve got a lot of things on my mind and sometimes it can get a little overwhelming, especially since I’m officially going to be an adult in two months,” he told UTB after rescheduling our interview with us three times (each excuse essentially, “I’m really hungover and I don’t usually get out of bed before 2 p.m.”).

He went on to talk about the "totally brutal" workload he had coming up in the next six weeks, complaining about a class he’s literally never attended. “The lecture notes he posts on Canvas look sorta shitty and he’s got like a 2.4 rating on PennCourseReview so I figured I’d just check out some Khan Academy videos to prep for the final. Honestly, I’m a way better self-learner so I’m happy that I get to use my time more efficiently,” Kilpatrick told us, even though he doesn’t own the class’ textbook or have a Khan Academy account.

Satire  Published 03/18/18 1:22pm

​OP-ED: Are My Roommates Russian Trolls? They All Keep Texting Me Saying I Smell Bad


Photo by Chinna98 / CC BY-SA 4.0

It’s become undeniably clear that Russia had a massive influence on the 2016 election. Hackers infiltrated the DNC and social media trolls flooded the Internet with misinformation, all with the support of the Russian government.

In this day and age, we have to question everything. We can’t trust the media in this age of misinformation. With a foreign power meddling in our elections and fomenting distrust in our body politic, we must be vigilant.

I have found the latest instance of Russian cyberwarfare. And it’s happening on American soil.

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