Satire  Published 8 hours ago

‘I Can't Wait To Escape Penn's Toxic Environment This Summer,' Says Student Who's Living in House On Sansom

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Photo (with edits) by Joe Mabel / CC BY-SA 3.0


College freshman Cynthia Clark was thrilled to get a research position at Penn this summer, but she soon became worried about staying in the oft stressful, frequently competitive environment of Penn all summer. Luckily, Clark found a way to keep her research position and still get away from Penn’s toxic environment.

“A girl from my friend’s sorority knows a guy who’s subletting a room in his house on Sansom this summer, so I snatched that right up! It’s a bit of a walk from campus, at 4025 Sansom, but I think it’s really gonna be worth it to be outside of the Penn Bubble. That way, this summer can be super relaxing and I’ll be refreshed once the fall semester starts,” Clark told us.

Having never walked past 40th street ourselves, we can’t relate, but we imagine that it’s a whole different world out there.


Satire  Published 8 hours ago

Experimental Poetry Seminar Has Surprisingly Fruitful Class Session on 4/20

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Photo by MikeDKnight / CC-ASA-3.0


Leslie Martinez’s seminar course on avant-garde experimental poetry had a regularly scheduled class session on April 20th. Professor Martinez had no special expectations.

In a shocking turn of events, the class proved to be one of the most insightful and probing discussions of the semester.

“There was one moment where a student asked ‘Isn’t it crazy that words?’ and it felt like we really got at something there,” Martinez said. “We rarely stop to think about how truly unbelievable it is that words.”

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Satire  Published 8 hours ago

OP-ED: I Went to Trader Joe’s and Did Not Get Killed by an Angry Mom Looking for the Ripest Tomatoes

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Photo from PxHere / CC0


The day had finally come: I was sick of eating lint out of my pockets, and I had been standing in the self-checkout line at Frogro for three days. I had to walk, twenty agonizing minutes, to Trader Joe’s. I put this off for several reasons: I would have to decide between multiple types of fruit that are not covered in mold and make small talk with cashiers who seems content in their life after I entered the literal vortex of suburban hell.

There are women with yoga mats hoisted over their shoulders, young children eager to eat organic fruit chews, and grandparents that don’t look sad about being alive. This is usually combined with adults forming a mosh pit around bags of miniature avocados and employees running down the aisles to clean up a blood spill next to the spices and salsas. I have seen dark things in this windowless place. I saw a child abandoned in the freezer — her mother forgot about her while lunging for the last bag of frozen orange chicken. I witnessed an entire family camping out in line, anxiously awaiting their encounter with the cashier, their fate hanging on the line.

But this time, I made it out unscathed. A mother did not nearly slit my throat with her manicured fingers over a cluster of perfectly ripe tomatoes. The cashier looked moody and didn’t ask about where I’m from. I didn’t have to kick any children out of the way to look at the ice cream flavors.

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

​Passive Roommate Declares Individualized Major in Chef and Maid

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Photo by Your Best Digs / CC BY 2.0


A common trend across all of Penn's undergraduate schools is that students tend to change their mind about what they want to study. Some start off in Engineering and switch into the College, while others come in as English majors and end up doing chemistry. This Wharton student has a similar story.

Katelynn Connor (W ’19), a finance entrepreneur and stay-at-home roommate, has spent the entire semester washing dishes, preparing dinners, and cleaning the sink. And she fell in love with the job. Instead of continuing her finance concentration, she went to her advisor and started talking about creating her own major — “chef, maid, and a bit of a pushover,” she calls it. “I realized I just love being the only one of my three roommates who knows how to take out the trash.”

Connor claims that the classes she would have to take, though time consuming, are worth it in the end. “I don’t have to know any MATLAB or statistics or anything! I just have to take some courses on Passive Aggression and Fundamentals of Motherhood to help me take care of my drunk roommates.”

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Satire  Published 04/20/18 3:19am

​Jewish Frat Mistaken For Hip-Hop Dance Group Due To Matching Sweatpants

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Photo by Punkt8 / Public Domain


Uh oh! This guy thought a Jewish fraternity was a hip-hop dance troupe just because the members were wearing matching, tailored sweatpants!

Laszlo McGough (E ’19) was walking around when he saw a group of thirty boys dancing to loud music. “I saw that they were dancing and they all had the exact same sweatpants on,” he said. “I stupidly thought that meant they were a hip-hop dance group.”

McGough proceeded to pull up a chair and watch the boys dance for more than an hour and a half. “I must have looked like a fool,” he said.

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Satire  Published 04/20/18 2:59am

Street Preacher Successfully Converts Two Tour Groups to Pentecostalism

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Photo by Tommy Rothman / The Daily Pennsylvanian


In an unusual success for the itinerant fundamentalist, the street preacher stationed at College Hall has converted two entire Penn tour groups to Pentecostalism.

Often seen shouting obscenities and threatening women, the street preacher rarely persuades many students. However, two groups of prospective students touring Penn found his unique brand of radical Christianity and millennialism enticing enough to join his small fundamentalist cult.

The preacher himself was taken aback by his success. "Nobody has ever much paid attention to me," he said. "I guess I don't really expect success. I only made enough signs for me and my three wives."

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Satire  Published 04/20/18 2:56am

3 Types of Yarn You Can Knit This Summer While All Your Friends Are Interning at Hedge Funds

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Photo from Pxhere / CC0


The end of the school year is approaching, and it's not too long before internships begin. What is an internship, you ask? Oh, you don't know? Well, you probably know that a ton of your friends will be spending their summers in the Big Apple working in finance. Lucky for you, you have nothing to do at all from June until August! It is only fitting that you take up a new and exciting hobby. Here are 3 types of yarn you can knit while all your friends are interning at hedge funds.

Wool yarn

This kind of yarn is spun from the fleece of sheep and is extremely popular. It is very well-priced, and most importantly, can be flexibly knit to accommodate different seasons. Since you don't have any plans this summer, wool is a fabulous option to knit clothing for when you are traveling the world across climates.

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Satire  Published 04/20/18 2:54am

What Being Searched Leaving Van Pelt Taught Me About Walking Around With a Pound of Weed in My Bag

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Photo by Kirk Schwarz / CC BY 2.0


There’s both a short and a long way to share my tale and the lessons it imparted on me. The short way is as follows: why go to Van Pelt with a pound of weed in your bag? Go home and smoke your weed.

The real story is much more complicated. For many students, this is advice might not be feasible. There are some people who absolutely need to be carrying an lb. at all times, and that’s okay. 

There are still many steps that one can take to reduce the danger. For example, don’t go in the only building on campus that searches your bag on the way out. If you do absolutely need to go into Van Pelt, make sure to disguise your weed well (for instance, put it into all those oregano bottles that you have sitting around your house just begging for a purpose; no one questions the kid with a pound of oregano in their backpack).

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Satire  Published 04/20/18 2:45am

BREAKING: Biopond Turtles Feel Incredible Today

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Photo by Tiffany Pham / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Today is a really good day to be a biopond turtle.

Sources report lethargic turtles sunbathing on rocks, munching on plants, and jamming out to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. This may sound like ordinary turtle behavior, and that’s accurate. Being a turtle is a pretty chill life. However, biology student Peter Mullen (C ’19) describes observing shocking new behavior: turtles staring at their weird, wrinkly, stubby little legs and laughing.

“In all my year studying turtle behavior, I’d never heard a turtle make any noise before,” said Mullen. “I couldn’t make any sense of it. That said, I was pretty stoned when I made the observation.”

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Satire  Published 04/20/18 1:44am

Penn Students Now Bandwagon Fans of Every Philadelphia Sports Team Except the Phillies

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Photo by Keith Allison / CC BY-SA 2.0


There was a time when Penn students cared about Philadelphia’s sports teams as little as they cared about Penn’s.

But then, a solid defense and a backup quarterback with a funny name propelled the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. Suddenly, Penn students revealed en masse that they had loved the "Birds" since finding out about their Penn acceptance, and would always support the team.

Now, with the 76ers in the NBA playoffs, hundreds of students have come out of the woodwork to admit that they have always loved the team, and were happy to see it succeed.

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