Satire  Published 4 hours ago

OP-ED: Hey, Have You Guys Heard This Song, “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers? It’s Pretty Good!


Photo from Pixabay/ CC Commons

Hey everybody! So last weekend I was doing my thing, hanging out with my good friends at a fraternity party. We were dancing and singing and having a grand old time, when all of a sudden a new song comes on that really got my feet stepping and my hips swaying. It sounds pretty rad, and I think it’s pretty hipster too. At first I thought it was called “Mr. Brightguy,” but someone talking about it later said it was called “Mr. Brightside” by “The Killers.” Long story short... I highly recommend!

I’m kind of a music buff, so I get a handle on hip, new songs, more often than most. But really, I think even the most basic music fan could really dig their teeth into this song! The lyrics are a little sad— they’re about jealousy, and, uh, chests (I didn’t really get what it was about), but man was it catchy as hell! I can’t believe I’ve never heard this sung at a party multiple times before!

And I know what you’re thinking: “Hey, sounds a little sad for a party.” Stop right there! I know it sounds sad, but it’s still so good. Crazy right? People were singing this kind of sad song and just going crazy! I had never seen something like it every weekend for 4 years of college before! Just trust me on this song, ok?

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Satire  Published 8 hours ago

Freshman Impresses Friends at Home by Naming the Most Brands of Alcohol


Photo by Pixabay // CC0 

Not everyone is cool in high school. A lot of students attending elite universities in particular were once quiet and lame, but college changes people— especially Sallie Silverman (C ’21).

She has been subtly dropping hints to her friends from home about her new-found coolness. She makes sure shaky footage of crowds doused in colored LED lights populates her Snapchat stories every Friday and Saturday night. She finstas about boys she’s hooking up with, masquerading these stories as funny complaints about the guys. Most importantly, she has been letting her friends know that she drinks.

Silverman has posted bottles of Svedka on her story before, and has also complained about hang overs on her finsta. But with Thanksgiving break coming up, she has her biggest-ever opportunity to show her friends what an alcoholic a cool person she is.

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Satire  Published 11/23/17 12:08pm

Was Pumpkin Pie Invented by Satan to Sell Sex? A Local Conspiracy Theorist Gives His Take


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Was pumpkin pie invented by Satan to sell sex? "Absolutely. Yes," remarked Billy Font in a rare in-person interview with UTB's top conspiracy correspondent. 

Font has been de-bunking "so-called 'official' government authored, media crafted" stories since, as Billy so ardently put it, "before any of your goddamn blog's readers gained a sense of moral agency."

Font's latest investigation traces the origins of pumpkin pie in popular myth and oral tradition to Lucifer himself. 

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Satire  Published 11/22/17 1:47am

Penn to Build New Dorm in Cayman Islands


Photo edited by MJ Kang / the Daily Pennsylvanian. Original sources: Roger W / CC BY-SA 2.0, and public domain images.

Just a few days after Penn was named in the Paradise Papers as an organization with accounts held at the virtually tax-free Cayman Islands, the University Board of Trustees has announced plans to construct a new college house in the Caribbean British territory. Construction will occur simultaneously with New College House West. The Board cited “space restrictions in the current system” as the reason for the project.

“We believe the islands are currently a dead space,” President Amy Gutmann said. “We should take advantage of the opportunities they offer.”

“For our students,” she added.

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Satire  Published 11/22/17 1:43am

How to Have a Friendsgiving When Your Only Friend Is Your Pet Rock Named ‘Bobby’


Photo by San José Public Library on Flickr / CC BY-SA 2.0

You’re from California and all your friends back home get an entire week off for Thanksgiving, while Penn students only get 2 days off. All the trendy kids that are still on campus are having “Friendsgivings,” and you’re considering doing the same. Only you realize that your only companion is a rock you found in fourth grade. Feeling lonely? Don’t sweat it. Here are some things you can do:

Eat dinner with your pet rock named “Bobby” - What were you expecting? You don’t have any friends except for Bobby. It’s still a Friendsgiving, I guess.

Hope that Bobby has friends - Sure, you might turn out to be that one friend that nobody knows, but it’s better than eating alone, right?

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Satire  Published 11/22/17 1:43am

OP-ED: To Whom'st'dve It May Concern'ed, I Am Much Qualified to Thriving in Dynamic Corporate Setting Passionate for My Experience Vis-A-Vis the Customer Liaison Which a Parallel to My Interests and Career Aspirations as Such Hire Me Pls


Photo: M Dreibelbis / CC BY 2.0

To whom'st'dve it may concern'ed,

       Greetings! My name Gena Basha and I am fourth year student at the University of Pennsylvania. Looking to launch my career, I myself did discovered your listing online. This position much aligned closely with my experience and aspirations. I have many a strong background in marketing, b2b, business, writing bylines, careers, work and am thus therefore in fact however looking for position in customer service retail technical marketing consulting branding startup. This position at yours very own such as company would allow me to encourage pursue my interest in retail and tech-ing, and in exchange I would bring a fresh, advantageous multi-faceted head-itching attitude!

        In the many of workplaces I have positioned and consumed, I am much qualified to thriving in dynamic corporate setting passionate for my experience vis-a-vis the customer liaison. I have the strong communication skills with the customers so the guarantee I can leverage for my interests and point of view such as. I am capable also to assess the private equity concerns however in order to cultivate dynamics in the corporation.

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Satire  Published 11/21/17 4:16pm

Dining Dollars Now Only Accepted at Denny's for 3% of Dollar Value


Photo by Billy Hathorn / CC SA 3.0

In an unexpected but exciting move, Penn Dining announced that it will be removing Dining Dollars as a payment option at restaurants and cafés on Penn’s campus. Instead, the currency will only be accepted at a few specific locations of the national diner-style restaurant chain Denny’s, at a conversion rate of one Dining Dollar to three US cents.

Dining services touted the change as a major improvement to Penn’s dining system.

“We started selling mediocre food for very high prices a long time ago, and now we’re continuing and expanding on that tradition with terrible food for disgustingly exorbitant prices,” a representative said in an email.

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Satire  Published 11/21/17 1:18am

OP-ED: I Wish Penn Admins Cared About Me as Much as They Care About the PULSE Survey


Photo by Lauren Sorantino

It seems like Penn cares an awful lot about the Campus PULSE survey, but what I really need is for the institution I attend to express at least a fraction of that interest in me.

I have received tens of emails about this "PULSE survey" from countless Penn administrators and organizations.

Dean Eric J. Furda himself sent me a personal email about the survey, requesting that I "please take some time now (~20 minutes) to make your voice heard."

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Satire  Published 11/21/17 1:15am

How to Explain the Turkey Pardon to an International Student


Photo by JamainOpenClipart-Vectors (edited) / CC BY-SA 1.0

Ah, American traditions. From Groundhog Day to President’s Day, it can be hard to keep track of the annual whims of the American people. Today, in preparation for Thanksgiving, one of the weirdest American traditions will occur - the turkey pardon.

To help you explain the turkey pardon to an international student, UTB has answered some frequently asked questions:

1. What is a turkey pardon?

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Satire  Published 11/20/17 8:47pm

PennInTouch Acceptance Rate Drops to All-Time Low


Photo: Joy Lee / The Daily Pennsylvanian

After securing a top ten slot in the Times higher education world university rankings, Penn has set its sights even higher. For years, our humble not-state-school has been bullied by heavyweights such as Harvard, Princeton and Stanford in elite college rankings. All rankings, that is, except for one. Across the nation, universities have striven to make their course-scheduling websites as open and accessible as possible. But here at the University of Pennsylvania, the gleaming torch of competition and rigorous selectivity still burns brightly against the hoards of the unenlightened.

Boasting a jaw-dropping 5.6 percent acceptance rate, PennInTouch is the envy of its peers. Other schools are taking note. Dartmouth representative Claire Bolford released a press statement late Monday noting that “While Penn’s reign is impressive, Dartmouth would like to note that ever since the last known computer technician who knew how to find Hanover vanished in a snowdrift, our numbers have been within a percentage point of theirs.”

Twice each academic year, Penn students wake up to Scheduling Day with equal parts anticipation and sheer terror.

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