Satire  Published 6 hours ago

Freshman Accidentally Rushes Sci-Fi Instead of Phi Psi


Jordan Taylor (E’ 21) was looking forward to rushing a reputable and quality fraternity. After hours of eating free food, mingling with the brothers, and attending lavish outings, he finally received a bid from the frat he coveted most: Phi Psi.

Or, so he thought! When he went to brag about his achievement to some of his friends, he was hit with a reality check.

“Guys, I just made Sci-Fi!” he told his friends.

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

QUIZ: How Many Cheek Kisses Is This Fancy Hello?

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Photo by Pexels / Pixabay


OMG! It’s Rachel. We haven’t seen her since at least NSO. How many cheek kisses is this fancy hello? Answer these questions, and see how many times you're going to kiss Rachel's perfect cheeks!

1. Hey you! Yeah, you! Superstar! How are you doing, beautiful? Come here!

A.) Hello, darling!

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

OP-ED: The Ability to Have Guac at Penn

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Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian


It’s 5:00 pm after my three hour chemistry lab. In years past, this was the best time of the evening. I would run over from the Chem building to Frontera, get in line, and ask for my favorite—fully dressed guacamole and chips. This is my one release. It’s my 30 minutes of pretending I don't have any homework to do afterwards or meetings to attend later that night. It’s my 30 minutes when my best friends and I can get together before we head to Van Pelt and study the night away. Ask any alumnus what their favorite Penn food is: 9 out of 10 will not say something from Chipotle, but rather Frontera’s guac.

Today, though, I walked in and asked for my usual order. “Sorry, we're out of guac,” said the cashier. This was not the first time. This has happened to several of my friends, as well. Instead of funding activities like Wharton career fairs, we need to focus our funding on Frontera. They are always out of guac. This is a problem that gets swept under a rug of issues that the university just does not want to mention, but keep in a little box labeled “problems that don’t really apply to us.” It seems as if our cries for a normal amount of guacamole go unheard.

With Penn’s competitive culture, guacamole is the one safe haven I have. I save up my dining dollars weekly just so I can spend it on the guac. Sometimes, I splurge and buy the fully dressed guac. Other times, I keep it simple. The school’s main focuses should be making sure that its students are happy, healthy, and thriving at Penn (TAP). However, with no guac, there is no school. Penn is taking away things that, for the most part, are our only options to get away from the academic and financial pressures on campus.

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

​I Purchased a Powerade Water Bottle: Do You Still Think You're Better Than Me, Student Athletes?

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Photo from Wikimedia Commons


Do you know how much a 32 oz. Powerade squeeze water bottle 2-piece set is on Amazon?

$18.97.

For $9.49 a bottle, I can be just as good as you, student athletes.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

Penn Accidentally Hires English-Speaking Math Professor

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Photo from Public Domain


As midterm season is in full swing, countless Penn students are undoubtedly complaining about their professors and their various incompetencies. Unfortunately for students taking math courses, these problems are only about to get worse.

Reports indicate that the Penn Mathematics Department has just made the fatal error of hiring Professor Robert Philip, a distinguished Nobel Laureate and MacArthur Genius Grant Recipient. Despite having received his Master’s from MIT and PhD from Stanford, Phillip is a native English speaker— an unfortunate characteristic that sets him apart for all the wrong reasons.

“We apologize sincerely for this inexcusable mistake,” said a spokesperson from the Penn Mathematics Department. “We like to conduct a thorough background check of all prospective professors to ensure that they are able to confuse the hell out of their students in lecture. Somehow, Professor Philip slipped through the cracks.”

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Satire  Published 10/21/17 4:07pm

Junior Mistakes Case Interview Prep For Romantic Date

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Photo by Tumisu / CC0


Problem solving and chill is the new Netflix and chill, or so Wharton junior Jake Ellis thought when Stephanie* asked him to practice casing for their upcoming consulting interviews.

“When she asked me to do ‘case prep’ last Friday night, I could hardly believe it. She even made a cute joke about OCR being the Bain of her existence... I knew that had to be code for asking me out. Who actually preps on a Friday night besides my classmates who will inevitably beat me out of the limited available consulting positions?” Ellis said.

“I guess I was a little concerned when she suggested we meet in a GSR after I subtly noted that the record player in my apartment has great interview prep vibes, but I thought she was just into the kinky ‘public eye’ thing,” he continued.

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Satire  Published 10/21/17 1:02pm

Frat Throws Frat Themed Frat Party

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Photo edited by MJ Kang, originals by Wicker Paradise (CC BY 2.0), Jbyoung15 (CC BY-SA 4.0), som3f00l (CC BY-SA 2.0)


It was getting close to Friday night and the mid-tier-and-rising fraternity, Rho Iota Chi (RICH), was running out of ideas for their next unregistered party. They had already exhausted their short list of themes throughout the year—the jersey party was, as the brother John, put it “a success, but the theme we had last week, and the week before that.”

“I don’t want a theme this week,” said the other brother, also named John, “let’s just wear normal clothes—boat shoes and salmon shirts--and call it a day.” The brothers nodded in agreement, but then Chad brought up a ground-breaking idea. “The only thing better than a party with no theme is a frat themed party.” The Locust chapter house erupted into applause, and got to work.

After 120 replies of “going” on their Facebook event, they knew that this party would be a success, increasing their chances to finally mix with OAX. The brothers gathered up all of their Natty Lites, American flag beer pong tables, and vineyard vines, scattering them disorderly around the room. “We just need some neon lights, and then we’re good.” 10:30pm couldn’t come any sooner.

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Satire  Published 10/21/17 12:58pm

Sick: This Wharton Freshman Just Nailed that Personality Quiz

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Photo by Giang / CC BY 2.0


Read it and weep, suckers.

Chase Bennett (W'21) walked out of class on Friday a new man. He had just totally aced that personality test and there was no question that it made him look like an ideal employee/LinkedIn connection.

"We've got to take personality quizzes in virtually every Wharton class," Bennett told UTB in an exclusive interview. "This is the first of many to come and honestly, I fucking crushed it."

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Satire  Published 10/21/17 12:48pm

New Penn Study Finds Midterm Season Lasts From Early October Until Your Professor God Damn Feels Like It's Over

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Photo by Seanhatton / CC BY-SA 3.0


The leaves are changing colors, and a cool breeze has blown in another round of exams at Penn; yes, it’s midterm season. Although many have already taken multiple midterms, most students still have many more lined up on the horizon, with some students wondering if the end is in sight. A new study from the Penn Graduate School of Education, found that the end of this stressful time might be later than some students planned. 

On October 19th, PGSE published a study that found Penn’s average midterm season now lasts from early October until your professor god damn feels like Its over.

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Satire  Published 10/21/17 12:45pm

Ingenious: Wharton Student Creates Backpack Leash for Adults

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Photo by CollegeDegrees360 / Flickr CC BY-SA 2.0 (with edits)


The backpack leash market has been an unexplored industry for far too long. It certainly took guts for someone to expand into the adult market, but it was well worth it. For Lee Schmann (W ‘18), risk was never something that could stop him from going after a great idea.

“It actually came to me when I was around 7 years old,” Schmann told us. “I was so young back then - I had yet to invest in my first stock and I’d never even heard of Goldmann Sachs. But even then I knew what I wanted to do with my life.”

In his youth, Schmann had used a backpack leash until his bar mitzvah at age 13 - at which point he became a real man. But after 13 years of leash security, he found that he missed the gentle tug on his shoulders every time he walked too close to a potential danger.

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