Satire  Published 20 minutes ago

4 Politically Correct Ways to Say "Give Me A Good Fucking Grade Please" This Holiday Season


Photo by Hoangttu / CC BY-SA 3.0 

Ok, so you tried to be that guy who somehow miraculously turns his C- into an A in the last 2 weeks of classes, but it’s not working out so well. You did the calculations, and it turns out you need an 181.34% on the Math 114 final to secure yourself an A-. Don’t worry, not all hope is lost. Luckily for you, there’s a few magical phrases you can say that’ll boost your chance of getting a good grade - and of getting into med school.

1. "Hello professor, would you like to come to my apartment and engage in questionable activities that are in no way sexual in exchange for a reevaluation of my final exam grade?" - This one’s sure to work if you’ve been able to establish the correct “professional relationship” with your professor or TA. Bonus points if you’ve matched with them on Tinder.

2. "Hello professor, would you like to accept my gift that is definitely not a financial incentive taken from my trust fund in exchange for a reevaluation of my final exam grade?" - You know what they say: play to your strengths, even if they mean the ones that you inherited from your multi-millionaire parents. 

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Satire  Published 24 minutes ago

OP-ED: How Elf on the Shelf Ruined My Relationship


Photo by An Errant Knight / CC BY-SA 4.0, Jeff Djevdet / CC BY 2.0, Mark Baylor / CC BY 2.0 (edited)

December 3

It started as a joke. I gave my boyfriend, Matt, an Elf on the Shelf on at the beginning of December to commemorate our first holiday season together. He laughed, I laughed, and we put the Elf on the Shelf on a shelf in his once elf-less room.

December 4

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Self Love Win: Just Because This Frat Boy Is Mean and Boring Doesn't Mean He Can't Also Be Really Vain


Photo by nym (cropped) / CC BY 2.0

Amazing. This frat boy, despite being mean-spirited and genuinely uninteresting, continues to love himself. Really love himself. That’s right: even though he’s a fundamentally bland chauvinist, he doesn’t let it affect what he sees when he looks in the mirror— an egotistical dick.

Gary S, a senior from Westchester County, New York, doesn’t let society dictate his self-esteem with words like “kind of racist” and “only talks about Greek Rank.” He takes his self-image into his own hands, and proceeds to grossly exaggerate his few positive qualities in his mind. #SelfLove.

Despite his most defining qualities being “wanting a job in finance” and “sports,” Gary is still able to convince himself that his opinions and interests are unique and interesting to others. Even while recently discovering his new beer gut, he still manages to think he is irresistible to women, no matter what they say or how they act. You go Gary!

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Student Who Has Never Heard of an Onside Kick 'Devastated' About Carson Wentz


Photo by Keith Allison (cropped) / CC BY-SA 2.0

Big news for the 14 students at Penn who genuinely enjoy sports: after a win against the LA Rams on Sunday night, the Eagles clinched the NFC East! But it wasn't all sunshine for Eagles fans. Carson Wentz, the Eagles' very talented, ginger, and North Dakotan quarterback, left the game with a season-ending ACL tear. Yikes.

Trent Jacobs (C '19), who has watched one football game in his life (at a Buffalo Wild Wings with his step-dad), was devastated to hear the news via Buzzfeed Trending. "The Eagles were so good. And because they were good, I liked them. It just sucks that Cobalt Weitz got that MCD sprain, because now the Eagles won't be as good anymore, you know?"

"Do I know how many downs a team has before they have to turn over the ball? Obviously, but my brain is pretty fried from finals so the number is escaping me. Anyways, I'm just pretty heartbroken about Cast Iron Welts shredding his ALS. I don't know, I really thought the Eagles had a shot at winning the Stanley Cup this year. Who knows what this Nick Fowls dude can do?"

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Satire  Published 5 hours ago

Sophie’s Choice: Do You Get Blackout at That Random Formal, or Do You Get a Decent Grade on Your Final?


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

So your roommate set you up with that tall guy Jonah for Omega Alpha Theta Mu Epsilon Alpha Lambda (commonly referred to as Oatmeal) formal. But you also have a final in PHYS320: Quantum Mechanics and Other Difficult Concepts the morning after. Yikes! What should you do?

Well, you have a C+ in the class, and you’ve only been to two full lectures. Three, if you count that time you went but played HQ Trivia the whole time. You don’t even know what your professor’s voice sounds like, tbh. But GPA is just a number right?

And Jonah is so tall! Well, 5 ft 7, but you don’t like heels anyway. And none of your friends have hooked up with him. That's so rare! Except for Kelly one time, but that was so random. Anyway, your roommate Jessica is going with her boyfriend and the four of you would definitely have such a good time! They for sure won’t ditch you 5 minutes into the pregame to hang out with only each other.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Student From California Spotted Snorting Snow in the Quad


Photo from Wikimedia Commons // CC0

Jerome Mordan (C '21) had never seen snow until this weekend. The SoCal native, who constantly complains about the cold and lets his friends know that all things are better in Cali, was shocked to see white material all over the ground in the Quad on Sunday. Mordan had also never seen cocaine in real life.

Mordan, visibly inebriated after partying the entire night on Saturday, did the only thing that made sense to him. He snorted the snow, as it resembled the cocaine that he had seen in movies and heard people talking about in the bathroom just a few hours earlier.

Some Quad residents were shocked by the event, and they couldn’t resist wondering what was wrong with Mordan.

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Satire  Published 16 hours ago

Aging Professor Keeps Mind Active by Constantly Thinking of New Ways to Break Students


Photo from Pexels / CC0

Maurice Lewis has been a pillar of the Penn Anthropology department for nearly half a century. While he has no desire to quit his dream job, even he admits that the years are creeping up on him.

“I’m not the same man that I was in the '80s,” he sighed wistfully, “Back then, you could tell me an artifact’s museum call number and I’d be able to walk you there blindfolded. But my memory isn’t quite what it used to be.”

But Dr. Lewis didn’t fill up his office (and his TA’s offices) with departmental and national awards by being complacent.

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Satire  Published 12/11/17 1:39am

Four Study Hacks You Will Not Use Because You Can't Stop Procrastinating


Photo by Rachel Fisher / CC0

Worried about finals? Here are four study hacks you'll ignore because you won't stop procrastinating.

1. Get exercise

Making sure you’re not sitting down all day is key to keeping your mind focused—I personally recommend attempting to swim the English Channel every two hours to refresh yourself. But instead of using this effective study technique, you’re probably in bed, watching glue-making tutorials on YouTube or shearing your neighbor’s lamb.

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Satire  Published 12/11/17 1:38am

Sophomore Complimented On Ugly Christmas Sweater Actually Really Liked It


Photo from TheUglySweaterShop / CC BY 2.0

When Larry Michaels (C '20) went home for winter break after his first semester at Penn, he desperately needed to decompress. After an overwhelming semester with more lows than highs, Larry yearned for some of the simple pleasures in life. He knew that he needed to ground himself by spending some quality time with his family.

That's why when he saw a gift from Grandma Sheryl sitting under the tree on Christmas morning, Larry felt as if everything was going to be okay for the first time in a while. He gently opened the beautifully wrapped present to unveil a handcrafted, embroidered sweater and Larry’s heart filled with joy. While the snowflakes that Grandma Sheryl had knit looked a little precarious and the gingerbread man plastered onto the center of the sweater looked a bit... turd-inspired, Michaels truly appreciated the love his grandmother put into it. Those mistakes just made the sweater that much more authentic. However, since he didn’t want to look like a dweeb still celebrating Christmas in the sping, Michaels stowed the sweater in the back of his closet, biding his time for the next holiday season.

Eleven months later, sweater weather was in full force. Emboldened by Penn’s holiday spirit, Larry felt as if last Friday was as good a time as any to break out Grandma Sheryl’s gift. A warm wave of nostalgia washed over him as Larry proudly strode down Locust, sweater on full display for everyone to see. He’d never seen that many people smile at him on the Walk. They must’ve really been feeling the Christmas cheer.

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Satire  Published 12/10/17 11:15am

Student Kicked Out Of College Republicans End-of-Semester BYO for Saying "Happy Holidays"


Photo by QuinceMedia / CC0 

Josh Evans (C ‘19) was more than excited to have been invited to Penn College Republicans’ annual winter BYO. He had been trying to join the ranks of the Republicans for years, and he knew that this was his time to shine. Dressed in a “Make Christmas Great Again” sweater under a Canada Goose jacket, Josh was determined to make an impression.

He arrived and began making his way around the room, talking to anyone he could find. “I could really fit in here,” Josh thought. In one conversation, he blurted, “I stand behind the private sector and their ability to reduce poverty and decrease unemployment rates,” to an audience of warm encouragement and handshakes. Soon, sentences started taking too much time as he raced around the room to meet the members, so he simply uttered phrases, much to everyone’s delight. “Individual rights,” Josh said, and the crowd applauded. “Limited government” had them beaming with smiles, and shouting “privatization“ had the entire room on their feet.

All was going well until he said the wrong two festive words.

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