Satire  Published 08/13/18 1:00am

All NSO Events Preemptively Moved to HUP Emergency Room

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Photo by Paul Brennan / CC0


Citing low attendance in years past to mandatory New Student Orientation events, the University announced Monday that all events this year will be held at its hospital’s emergency room. The move is part of an effort to make attending NSO events more convenient for freshmen.

“We want to ensure that as many students as possible are able to attend the vital information sessions and social events throughout the week,” said a spokesperson for the NSO office. “We believe seminars on topics such as the responsible consumption of alcohol are crucial to success at Penn.”

“For some inexplicable reason, many incoming students have missed these events due to unexpected hospitalizations,” they added. Thanks to the change in location, it is predicted that 50% more freshmen will be able to attend mandatory events than last year. 

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Satire  Published 08/11/18 2:14pm

Rising Junior Ecstatic to Return to Wearing Athleisure Every Day

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Photo from MaxPixel / CC0


According to a school-wide survey, Alex Travers (W ’20) is one of the six students excited to return to school this month.

Why?

After 10, 60-hour weeks of business formal, she’ll finally be able to wear athleisure whenever she wants.

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Satire  Published 08/10/18 9:27am

NSO Seminar to Teach Mechanisms for Coping With Father’s Indictment While at Penn

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Photo by Felton Davis / CC-BY-2.0 


This year’s New Student Orientation will offer a first-of-its-kind program about what to do when your father gets charged with serious white-collar crimes during your time at Penn.

The “Daddy Issues: Legal Trouble in the Penn Bubble” seminar will be mandatory for all students whose family names are attached to campus buildings.

Lorena Landyk is the 2018 NSO coordinator. “We’ve seen a larger number of Penn students’ fathers get charged with serious crimes recently,” Landyk said. “We expect more than 1700 students in the Class of 2022 to have a parent face legal scrutiny for white-collar crimes during their undergraduate years.”

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Satire  Published 08/08/18 11:43am

Foodie Alert! Incoming Freshman Has Already Secured 5 Zahav Reservations

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Photo by Krista / CC by 2.0


The early bird gets the worm! Or in this case, rather than a worm, Elizabeth Rogers (C '22) will be getting some Golden Beets and a Syrian Lamb Kabob. 

That's right - the incoming freshman has taken over the Philly food scene before even stepping on Penn's campus, in the form of some valuable reservations at Philadelphia's finest modern Israeli restaurant - Zahav. Over the past weeks, Rogers has been scouring OpenTable, Craigslist, and even the Dark Web to secure these lucrative reservations.

"It's just so important to understand the culture of the city," remarked Rogers. "Also my parents are absolutely loaded and Zahav tastes sooooo much better than Chipotle, right?" 

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Satire  Published 08/06/18 2:23pm

Woah! Andrew Is an Incoming Finance Concentrator at The Wharton School

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Photo by Johnny Magnusson / CC0


It seems like Penn is the perfect match for Andrew Green (W ’22). The New York City native let the world know on LinkedIn—roughly a week after being admitted—after he updated his headline to ’Incoming Finance Concentrator at the Wharton School’.

“You know I had to do it to them,” Green concisely explained.

Some upperclassmen were surprisingly impressed by Green’s confidence, and believe that it will take him far in the business world.

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Satire  Published 08/03/18 11:58am

Heartbreaking: "Serial Entrepreneur" Suffering Withdrawal After Not Starting a Fake Company in the Past Two Weeks

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0


Some people just can't handle the business side.

Maurice Goldberg knows a thing or two about companies. Some would even say he knows three or four things about companies. That's right - Goldberg is an entrepreneur. Though he's not just your ordinary entrepreneur; Goldberg is a serial entrepreneur. 

When he opened his first lemonade stand at the age of 4, Goldberg knew that he was bound to become a true business mogul. Within years, he had claimed to be the "CEO, Co-Founder, and President" of over a dozen companies, By the age of 18, Goldberg was creating flashy logos, hiring people to make him fancy websites, and regularly commenting on the LinkedIn posts of Gary Vaynerchuk and Mark Cuban (as all true entrepreneurs do).

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Satire  Published 07/26/18 9:19am

Sad: Wharton Students Will Be the First Ones Guillotined in the Class War

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Photo by B.J. Habibie / Public Domain


Bad news, Whartonites. When the workers unite and the revolution is successful, your necks are the first ones on the chopping block.

For years, the people have been struggling underneath your iron boot. But, when they link arms and liberate themselves of their yokes, they are coming for Wharton students first.

Diego Fink, C ‘19, commands a rebel paramilitary unit. “We’ll set up the guillotine in the central piazza so everyone can watch your heads roll,” Diego said. “An Urban Studies major in a black hood will pull the rope that ends your cruel reign.”

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Satire  Published 07/25/18 10:43am

Lonely Student at Penn Over the Summer BYOs Banana Leaf By Himself

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0


Everyone gets lonely some times. This has been especially true for James Roberts (C '20), who has spent the past two and a half months of his life in a state of empty solitude.

Roberts, who decided to stay at Penn over the summer to do research, began to regret this decision after his first week. "I literally hadn't talked to a single person for an entire week." remarked Roberts. "Aside from the weird guy subletting my roommate's place who I occasionally nod at, I haven't had any human contact since everyone left." 

Missing the good ol' days with his beloved friends and frat bros, Roberts decided to take matters into his own hands. Walking into Banana Leaf at 8:30pm on a Thursday evening with a box of Franzia in both hands, Roberts hesitantly walked over to the podium of the confused greeter and muttered reluctantly, "table for one, please."

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Satire  Published 07/21/18 12:28pm

Wharton Transfer Student Isn't so Sure About This Whole "Monetary Policy Thing"

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Credit: Julio Sosa


Lots of questions about Penn's admissions standards are being asked after accounts surfaced of a Wharton transfer student being utterly disruptive during last semester's FNCE 101 class.

The newly-transferred student in question was known for skipping class to galavant around Manhattan, a place he calls home despite his being from an outer borough, rather than show up to class. When he did manage to show up to his monetary policy class, he began to have it out with the professor.

The professor, who wishes to remain anonymous, had just finished up reviewing the basic fundamentals of the Federal Reserve when he was berated by the student. 

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Satire  Published 07/19/18 7:40am

Amy Wax Accepts New Job as General Counsel of Papa John's

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Photos (with edits) from Penn Law, Flickr / CC 2.0 


Just weeks after her Supreme Court nomination, Amy Wax seems to be pursuing a different, more unconventional career path. Seemingly blinded by Penn's toxic corporate culture, Wax has accepted a new role at Papa John's as General Counsel and Head of Legal Affairs. 

"I think it will be a great fit," stated a spokesman from the company. "Professor Wax has shown to be a huge admirer of pizza in the past. Oddly enough, it seems like she has only ever tried cheese pizza and has some pretty controversial opinions on pizzas with diverse toppings and flavors. Anyways, we're ecstatic to have her on board."

With the recent controversial departure of John Schnatter from the company, some speculate that Wax may soon become the face of the Papa John's franchise. 

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