"The only thing DPOSTM has to fear is DPOSTM itself," Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, probably.
Fresh off its undocumented 10th straight win in the annual Kamin Cup, DPOSTM took to high-rise field on Saturday afternoon facing blistering conditions. But the Locust wind tunnel and a dearth of gloves weren't the only things with which the squad had to deal.
Without a formidable opponent on tap, DPOSTM was forced to divide in half like it was season 4 of Friday Night Lights, as the senior sports editor lineage of Riley, Nick and Buzzie went toe-to-toe with Andrew Smoochie Zheng, Pollack and Corey. And the game couldn't have been any closer.
With conditions making visibility difficult, each team scored on every single possession. The difference, however, was a controversial game-winning two-point conversion with no time left to give the senior sports editors a 36-35 victory.
"I think I fractured my sternum," Buchta said after the game. "That's gonna hurt in the morning."
DPOSTM and lesser DPOSTM traded scores in the game's first quarter, as lesser DPOSTM raced out to a 14-7 advantage. After DPOSTM tied things up at 14 to start the second period, the veterans were dealt a striking blow.
"I'm going home," Tydings, who was in shorts, said. "I'm in shorts, I'm cold and I can't breathe."
"Tough, but fair," Steele added.
From there, "Mike in the Ravens hat," who had previously been playing all-time offense, stepped into the glory that is the senior sports editor lineage and went to work. Having already caught a touchdown from Steele, "Mike in the Ravens hat" added two more to his tally before the game ended, and did a fantastic job watching as Buchta went all truck stick on Zheng.
"I find myself on the ground after every play," Zheng said. "That can't be good."
Steele hit "Mike in the Ravens hat" for a 14-yard touchdown to bring DPOSTM within 1. Instead of settling for the tie, the senior sports editors did what the Packers should have done last week: They went for two.
"OH SHIT," Henry shouted, realizing he had to play one more play. "GOD DAMN IT!"
"Yellow's the mike [linebacker]."
Steele had all day to throw, but with three defensive backs covering Buchta and "Mike in the Ravens hat," he had to force a pass. The ball went through "Mike in the Ravens hat's" hands, ending the game and sealing the newbies' upset.
Offsetting pass interference penalties gave DPOSTM new life. And this time, the veterans wouldn't be denied. Despite losing his hat to the formidable breeze, Steele hit "Mike in the Ravens hat" in the left corner of the endzone. Ballgame.
"Noble effort," Henry added through chattering Floridian teeth. "Noble effort."
"Fuck," Smoochie said. "Fuck."
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