The Daily Pennsylvanian: We have a very special guest interview today. Could you please state your name for the readers?
Hermann the Mum Star Rabbit: My name is HERMANN THE MUM STAR RABBIT!
DP: Thank you, Hermann. You are a very prominent poster on the DP. What do you say to your detractors?
HMSR: Hermann’s comments are carefully written and thought out. It is NOT Hermann’s fault that the writers and speakers that he comments on are so utterly and totally deprived of the mental facilities to even know what the truth is ... .
DP: Interesting. Many times it seems as though you applaud the school, but also question its results. Do you think that students simply aren’t getting what their tuition pays for?
HMSR: I would point out that education is not just a matter of total dollars spent. Are the students doing better in their tests scores, grade-level proficiency and skills that are applicable to vocational goals and higher level aspirations? Those are the important questions. Seems to me a lot of money is spent on a computer gimmickry and the latest technology fads. Hermann didn’t have all that stuff when he went to school. Is it all really necessary? How about focusing on the basics? And getting that right first.
DP: Are you saying that the University should ban computers from the classroom?
HMSR: Well, now it looks like someone totally lost their minds. I guess your train took you way too many stops past Crazy Town. You’re in total Looney-Tunes-Ville.
DP: That’s a great transition to talk about Penn’s annual pressure valve: Spring Fling is coming up in a couple weeks. Kesha was the announced headliner with tickets costing $80 for public general admission. Does the Rabbit plan on attending?
HMSR: Oh yeah, real cool concept. I guess my check is in the mail — NOT!
DP: Well, do you have anything to say to the students who do plan on attending?
HMSR: Hermann don’t smoke no funny cigarettes, and nobody else should either.
DP: What about dress code? There have been instances of women being criticized for their choice of attire, or lack thereof.
HMSR: Women should be feel free to wear whatever costume that they want to and the sexier the better — if that’s what they want to do and are comfortable doing it.
DP: What did you think of Penn being named Playboy’s No. 1 party school?
HMSR: It was not that groovy ... In fact, I was bored to tears and had to wash my eyes out with water.
DP: Speaking of water. The Daily Pennsylvanian would like to take this moment to remind everyone to stay hydrated during Fling, and not just with alcohol!
HMSR: I’m seriously worried about you. Please get yourself some help. And eat better. Especially carrots, they’re good for your eyes you know!
DP: Well, we have to wrap things up now. Any final words?
HMSR: Thank Heaven for the Republicans — that’s all this exasperated Rabbit has to say!
The Daily Pennsylvanian is an independent, student-run newspaper. Please consider making a donation to support the coverage that shapes the University. Your generosity ensures a future of strong journalism at Penn.
DonatePlease note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.