Guest Column by Hillary Barlowe | A communal fight

Your thoughts are not your own. Not anymore. Everything you see suddenly becomes an instrument of self-destruction. And you think that you’ve lost your mind, that you’ve lost yourself, that you’ve lost everything. You’re alone, helpless and hopeless. Your bones ache, and your insides churn as though your blood corrodes your veins. You count the hours in the day and tell yourself things like, “I can make it three more hours.” You try to drown yourself in a pool of blood and alcohol, but it’s too shallow.

This is what it felt like when I was suicidal. But I am a survivor of suicide, and I’d like to offer my thoughts after the recent tragedy at Penn.

I went on a leave of absence from the University of Pennsylvania in March of 2013 after calling the suicide hotline. I was told I could come back the next year, but I knew that would never happen. After hearing that a friend of a friend had committed suicide, my first thought was: “Wow, I wish that was me.” I told my friends this. They looked confused but said nothing. I wish they had said something — that someone had said something.

And that’s where the Penn community failed. I won’t pretend my friends didn’t notice the indications of my self-destruction, and I won’t pretend they didn’t smell alcohol on my breath at strange times of the day. We all have a responsibility to each other to lend a helping hand. Please, if you know someone who you think is depressed or suicidal: Say something. Get help if you don’t know what to say. This goes for students and faculty.

A school like Penn has resources, and, like all schools, it should allocate them to things like mental health. Student psychological services are, frankly, insensitive and out-of-touch. My experience with CAPS was dismal; they assured me that my depression was just the normal adjustment to college. I urge Penn to take this more seriously.

I went to a day program and an intensive outpatient program this summer, and they helped me immensely. I suggest that universities have therapists on staff to run group therapy sessions twice a day — once in the morning before class and once in the evening after class. Group therapy has benefits such as support, structure and skills-training.

Penn could also have educational programs for incoming students on how to help friends and how to help one’s self. Faculty should be trained on how to help should a student confide in them. I believe Penn should institute a three-pronged approach: training students on how to help themselves, training students on how to help their friends and training faculty on how to better serve students’ needs.

We’ve lost enough young souls. We’re losing the future. These students won’t have the opportunity to become what they should have become, and it isn’t their fault — it’s ours. We haven’t taken responsibility for the well-being of our friends. For those still struggling, please seek help and remember to take it one day at a time. Be a warrior. It gets better. I know it feels like it can’t possibly, but it does with the right help and support. My heart goes out to the families affected by suicide and to those still struggling.

Help is a phone call away. It saved my life. If you’re currently struggling, here are some numbers both at Penn and nationally:

Penn’s suicide prevention hotline: 215-686-4420

National suicide prevention lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Hillary Barlowe is a student from Millburn, N.J. currently on leave. You can email her at hillary.barlowe@gmail.com.

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