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chess_board
Woahhhh, big news for the Penn chess team! Busted, bitties. Don’t lose your bishop this early. Protect your bishop, Glenn!!!

*This story appeared in the 2011 Joke Issue.

After winning the Ivy League chess tournament, the Penn chess team has been stripped of its title.

The four “athletes” who participated in the January championships tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs.

The culprit? Adderall.

Did these guys have prescriptions? Nope.

In addition to turning over the coveted title, all four have also relinquished their statuses of Master, Master, Expert and Class B. They will return to square one in the Harkness Rating System: Bungler.

Though one of them claimed he “beat every other third-grader in the country” when he was that age, he was really just the first to discover Addy.

“Sorry, I’m not sorry,” the player said.

According to an innocent-looking ginger, “Adderall is what gave that team their signature swagger.”

Though the Penn players aren’t too concerned, the team’s captain is struggling with the side effects of a mild overdose.

“Lots of gum seems to help, but I have the urge to spit out the gum and get a new one every time the taste starts to fade, so I decided to switch to sugarfree gum,” he explained.

“Unfortunately, sugarfree gum uses sorbitol as an artifical sweetener, which also doubles as a laxative. Quite a strong one too.”

Check.

Mate.

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