*This story appeared in the 2010 Joke Issue.
The backbone of the Penn men’s basketball has lost exactly that.
Penn Sports Medicine director L. Scott Levin confirmed yesterday that sophomore point guard Zack Rosen has stress fractures up and down his spine — a condition also known as solotalentitus.
Levin said that the injury was a clear result of carrying the Quakers for the duration of the 2009-10 season.
“We see this kind of injury a lot in athletes who play for mediocre teams. Allen Iverson had it with the 76ers, Ryan Zimmerman got it with the Nationals, and it’s no surprise to see that Zack has developed the condition here at Penn,” Levin said.
No one was more upset than Rosen himself, and he was quick to dole out the blame.
“It’s totes whack,” the ginger point guard said. “Just really not not not coolio. I’m pointing the finger at Tyler [Bernardini]. He could have returned to play back in January. That guy was probably faking it the whole way just to get some attention.”
While Bernardini declined to comment, other players weighed in on the accusations.
“Whether he faked it or not, I’m a happy camper,” said junior forward Dan Monckton. Monckton worked his way into the starting five after Bernardini went down last fall.
While infighting continued on Penn’s roster, fearless leader Jerome Allen tried to rationalize the news of losing his protege.
“We won’t get this done. We won’t get this done. This team without Zack is like the seven dwarves without Snow White,” he said, referring to returning super-senior Darren Smith, bumbling Brian Fitzpatrick and quiet Tommy Eggleston. “Now we’re just a whole lot of Dopey ‘n’ Sneezy.”
The team, meanwhile, is anxious for the star’s return. It recently mailed a ‘get well soon’ card to Rosen’s apartment in the Radian, according to Fitzpatrick.
“We got some flowers too,” he added. “I chose tulips because they’re purty.”
Levin also mentioned that the average recovery time for solotalentus is approximately two years.
“He should be back on the court if they can make the big dance in 2012. Though the thought of them being there with Zack healthy is laughable, getting there without him is down right hilarious,” he added.
Rosen will undergo a series of painful surgeries over the next two months, followed by both physical and non-physical therapies.
But one fun-sized Quaker is seeing the silver lining in this devastating news.
“I’m goning to be a starter next year!” said freshman point guard Malcolm Washington.
Assuming he’s still on the team.
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