To be or not to be (sexiled)

There’s nothing quite like coming home from an eventful night out on the town, aching to curl up with a Snuggie and the deluxe collector’s edition of Bridget Jones’ Diary. Walking down the quiet hallway that leads to your room, your eyes start to tingle — you feel sleep setting in.

Thoughts of your roommate pop briefly into your head. Her snoring could be a problem, but you shrug it off. You have earplugs.

At this point, your thoughts have drifted far away from Bridget and her oversized underpants, and you have narrowed your concentration to the near-palpable delight that will spring from your imminent collapse onto your bed. You almost salivate at the thought of your comforter.

As you draw your keys out of your pocket, you’re thinking: This is it. T-minus 30 seconds. But wait! What is this you see? A horrifyingly ugly scrunchie bunched up on the doorknob? No, it can’t be. You stick your ear on the door, desperate to hear silence, but instead, you are greeted with the strange grunting sounds! Your awkward-looking roommate is having sex? Now?

Oh jeepers. What to do? Do you walk in, pretend like nothing’s happening and delve into a deep slumber? Do you run away to a neighbor’s room? Do you sit down on the threshold and cry yourself into oblivion? So many questions, so little reaction time available.

Welcome to the world of the college sexile. There is nothing more frustrating than being forced to find alternative sleeping arrangements because your roommate has decided to engage in intercourse on a whim.

Sadly, we’ve mostly all been there. And if you haven’t, rest assured you will. From compulsively promiscuous roommates to ones with visiting other halves, the sexile will realistically make at least one appearance in your college existence.

But don’t despair! There are ways to make the most out of this unfortunate happenstance.

For instance, you could potentially walk into the room, turn on the lights and decide to make things awkward — that is if you can stomach the unpleasant sight that inevitably awaits you. Or you could simply decide to call that attractive individual with whom you share a study group and sexile that person’s roommate instead.

Remember though, the crucial lesson to learn here is the importance of communication. Come morning time, whether you wake up on the floor of your hallway or your hallmate’s stained futon, you should definitely have a little chat with your roommate on the value of the heads-up. And if that should fall on deaf ears, you could always funnel some cat pee into his or her shampoo bottle.

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