Lebron chooses Penn over NBA, set for frosh year in Quad

(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)

REHAB -- The next time you see a brand new Hummer H2 cruising down Spruce Street, wave hello because it's probably Penn basketball's newest recruit.

Lebron James stunned the collegiate and NBA communities with his decision late last night to attend the University of Pennsylvania as part of the class of 2007.

Quakers head coach Fran Dunphy had been covertly recruiting the much-publicized high school phenom for months.

He tried to entice him by doing everything imaginable, even offering him throwback Dunphy La Salle jerseys, circa 1970.

James was courted by numerous other Division I schools, but all feared that he would just shun them and enter the NBA draft.

Yet Penn's efforts clearly paid off.

"I just couldn't pass up a Wharton education," said James, who is leaning toward pursuing a dual concentration in finance and accounting. "I have to plan for a life after basketball, you know. Do you know how to do taxes after getting a $100 million shoe deal? Me neither. So I'm here to learn"

Despite the coup for his team, Dunphy has elected to downplay the situation thus far. The coach worries that the media might make too much of James' decision, and insisted that all of Penn's players are "equally special."

"Lebron should fit nicely into our system," said Dunphy, who was vacationing in State College, Pa.

"With Ugonna and Koko both graduating, I can foresee him challenging Adam Chubb for a starting spot."

Reaction around the Ivy League ranged from shock to disbelief.

Princeton coach John Thompson III was very surprised by Penn's pickup, but put a positive spin on it.

"Hey, they'll be a tough ball club for us to deal with, no question," he said. "But we're recruiting the point guard from James' high school, so we'll have the last laugh. Man can that kid pass the ball around the perimeter to no apparent purpose."

Brown coach Glen Miller, meanwhile, simply could not be reasoned with upon hearing the news.

"This is why there's so much imbalance in this Goddamn league," Miller ranted. "You can't go to Penn and get a fair shake. Coach Miller from Brown, no respect. Brown University, no respect.

"Lebron James is going to jam it up our asses for the next four years."

Yale students took a break from protesting the war and breaking picket lines to stand up and yell for no reason on account of the news coming from Penn.

But Elis coach James Jones didn't seem fazed by the Quakers' Yankees-like ability to swoop in and always grab the best player available.

"To be honest with you, that kid [Jeff] Schiffner scares me more," Jones said. "I'm confident our guys can shut down James in the post, but you just can't guard Schiff's quick release from the perimeter."

Back in West Philadelphia, of course, the campus rejoiced.

Among faculty and administrators, financial implications, including increased ticket sales, were the main cause for jubilation.

University President Judith Rodin was unavailable for comment immediately after the news broke.

Her lackey Leah Popowich indicated that she would issue a public statement later today, but was at the moment "taking a celebratory swim in her money bin."

Jeff Millman, DP columnist and Penn basketball groupie, seemed to reflect the exultant attitude of most Quaker fans.

In fact, the senior has decided to put a potential career as a banner maker on hold so that he can watch James for four years at the Palestra.

Millman gained a certain notoriety for incessantly badgering Crimson point guard Elliot Prasse-Freeman over the past few seasons, but suggested that being treated to James' talents will far surpass "taunting that Harvard poindexter."

James is expected to be officially introduced at a press conference on Wednesday, where he will be accompanied by his godfather, Allen Iverson.

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